It’s way too early for this

Well, I guess it’s not way too early, at 7:48 a.m., but 5:56 a.m. certainly is, which is when I woke up this morning after not falling asleep until around 2 a.m. This new medication I’m on has the unfortunate side effect of only letting me sleep in short bursts, it seems. It started out as only allowing me to sleep for six hours, which was manageable with an afternoon nap. But this four hours of sleep business is getting old. And it’s not like I wake up and I am sleepy. I wake up, and I am A-W-A-K-E. I laid in bed for about an hour, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep again, until I finally gave up. I took a shower, got some breakfast, and here I am.

I’ve always had trouble sleeping, ever since I was a kid. I get it from my mother, along with her allergies and proneness to migraine headaches — thanks, Mom! (I get other perfectly lovely things about her, but that’s a post for another day.) I’ve tried all sorts of stuff — meditation, journaling, music, muscle relaxation therapy, counting, even OTC and prescription sleep aides. The medications work, but they leave me feeling groggy in the morning, and they don’t always prevent me from waking up in the middle of the night. Considering truly restful sleep needs to be uninterrupted, this is not very helpful.

I have used the time well, I suppose. While I was teaching earlier in the summer I’d use my extra two hours awake reviewing my lecture for that day’s lesson. Now I’ll check my e-mail, plan my day, maybe do a bit of research or reading. Normally I can fall asleep again a few hours after being up an active. In probably about an hour I’ll be able to sleep again, so in the meantime I’ll probably work on some research — knock out one hour of the ten I’m supposed to do every week. Life as a graduate student: absolutely fascinating.

Begging the question that someone will actually read this, do you have a good strategy for falling asleep again after waking up in the early morning? I’m honestly willing to try just about anything. I just want to be able to get a full eight hours again. I wish I could be like my boyfriend or father, who can basically roll over and fall asleep, no trying at all.

Silence

I’ve been having a really bad week. Lots of things thrown at me at once. Thankfully, by Thursday at 5 p.m. I should be more or less free. But migraines and hard work and hurt feelings and ridiculousness with my mental health just kinda was a time suck for me this past week.

But Thursday at 5, no more. I will take that night to myself, to make my battle plan. And then I will rock on. And hopefully make some fresh bread.

Time management and sleep

I really need to figure out what is wrong with me regarding my sleeping schedule. There is no reason for someone who sleeps as much as I do to feel as tired as I do. I am so annoyed, because I have so much to do, but I can’t keep my eyes open. My light therapy lamp will be here tomorrow (!!); hopefully it will alleviate some of this.

Because of my recurring urge to nap (an my horrible, no good, very bad week last week) I have not been very productive. I did not do much today either. Actually I didn’t do anything. I am kinda mad at myself for it, but I just have to let it go and wake up in the morning and do better. And drink a strong cup of coffee. And stop being distracted by Facebook. I have a program that will block websites from my computer, but I can still access them on my iPhone and iPad. I wish there was an app that would block me out on those devices!

My boyfriend made me feel kind of shitty because I didn’t spend time with him last week (I guess watching football together doesn’t count?). He didn’t seem to care that it was a really shitty week for me. I guess he doesn’t believe in mitigating circumstances. My feelings were pretty hurt at his lack of understanding. I mean, I know I said I would resolve to do it, but sometimes things get in the way. He has a way of pointing out my failures that makes me uncomfortable and kinda sad. I know he appreciates the good things I do, but he never really praises me for them. It is always “You didn’t put your dishes in the dishwasher,” and never “Hey, thanks for cleaning the bathroom today.” I suppose I should communicate that to him, though, huh? Can’t do better if he doesn’t know how he makes me feel.

And stuff like that is what this blog is for. Working through my feelings so I can take sensible action.

Whoops?

So yeah, the SOPA Black Out was on Wednesday, and I have only just now gotten around to taking it down. My bad. I kind of had one of the worst weeks of my life last week, so uh, sorry about that. Accordingly, not only did nothing remotely bloggy get done, but my resolutions were cast aside, as was my homework… and hygiene… and sanity… What? It’s not like those things seem very important when you’re a seething ball of anger and self-loathing for reasons I do not plan to disclose here, thank you for asking, but everything is all good now, I think. As good as it can be, I suppose. Only time will tell for sure.

On the bright side, I made bread today, to go with some buffalo chicken dip I made for the game today. My team lost (WHY, RAVENS, WHY), but at least I had delicious food. So I guess all was not lost when it comes to resolutions! Hurrah!

This week I am really going to have to kick butt to get back on track with my reading. I really wasn’t in any state to do it this week, so now I am going to have to pay for that. But, I am feeling very focused and energized after a weekend of recuperating from said crappy week, and I really think I will be able to handle it. It also helps that I went to my doctor on Wednesday to discuss changing the dosage on my meds, slash changing to a different medication altogether. I also ordered a light therapy lamp; I have friends who swear by them, and the lack of energy I have around 3 p.m. every day is staggering, to the point I cannot keep my eyes open. It should be here Tuesday, and I really think it’ll help.

Other than that, I am just gonna hop back on the bandwagon. I am printing out my new sticker chart for this week, and hopefully this week will be better than last.

Another more or less unproductive weekend…

I really need to get better with my time management skills. I don’t know what happened to me, but I have started to fall prey to the “Oh, I can do it later…” mentality. Instead, I check Facebook or my e-mail or surf Amazon, I plan out how I need to spend my time (but never actually follow the plan), I take naps or do other, not-as-important things, like clean. Although, I really do need to clean the apartment and do some grocery shopping. The bathroom is getting kinda gross, and in the division of household chores, the bathroom is all mine to take care of. But honestly, that could have been done, too, if I had done my reading according to plan. Instead, I will now have to cram a lot into tomorrow to get back on schedule. I really don’t like that I do this to myself. The few days of screwing around doing nothing just aren’t worth it.

In addition to this, I really do need to do something about my health. I don’t mean my weight or how I look — that is all just fine. I mean how I feel. I don’t eat right, bottom line, I consume more caffeine from Dr Pepper than I ought, I don’t exercise, and I feel like crap for it. Also, I don’t properly keep up with my hygiene. I mean, I shower regularly and brush my teeth, but as far as those “extra” things, like washing my face every morning and evening, or putting on lotion to fight the chronic winter itch, or putting product in my hair to keep the length healthy… I just don’t do it. Instead, I screw around online.

The Internet really is my biggest distraction. It’s what I go to for escape. A lot of it is that my friends are here. I don’t have friends where I live, because I just moved here for my doc program, and by virtue of being here for a doc program, I don’t exactly have time to go and find friends. There are people in my cohort, but we don’t really connect beyond that work colleague level. At least, they don’t connect with me that way; I can’t speak of their relationships with each other.

I just have to prioritize. On the bright side, I did manage to “clock in” my two hours with my boyfriend. I didn’t do any fun reading this weekend (except for the whole Facebook crap). I didn’t bake any bread, either. Ugh. PRIORITIES. I need to find them.

Maybe I will do better this week. We’ll see.